The Weasley Brothers Ranked by Fuckability

Did you know that before there was indoor plumbing at Hogwarts students simply pissed themselves around the castle and then magicked the piss away? No! Did you need to know that fact? Absolutely not! If J.K. Rowling can keep dropping absolutely insane and truly wild “facts” about the Harry Potter Universe, I can rank the Weasley brothers by fuckability.


Coming in lukewarm at number seven we have Percy Weasley. Since he was introduced in the books, Percy has been a pompous stick in the mud; one who never breaks the rules. He’s super annoying AND abandoned his family in time of crisis, just like he’s going to abandon your orgasm!

Y’all already know you’re leaving this dick appointment unsatisfied.

For sixth place we have Ron Weasley. I’m sorry to say this, because I am, and always will be a Ron Weasley stan, but the man just has several hotter older brothers! He was smart enough to turn to a dating book to try and woo Hermione, so A+ for effort. Hopefully he’s read some Cosmo tips to improve his game!

Look at this adorable man! 10/10 would make out with in the Gryffindor Common Room!

In fifth place we have the boy who lived himself, Mr. Harry Potter. “But Claire, he’s not a Weasley brother”, you’re thinking, but in the wise words of badass boss bitch, Molly Weasley, “he’s as good as”. If it’s good enough for Molly Weasley, it’s good enough for me. Harry has always been respectful of women and I feel like with his survivor’s guilt and general lifelong trauma that he would in turn be quite an attentive lover.

Remember in Goblet of Fire (2005) when everyone was hot with long hair? I miss those days.

Rolling into fourth place we have George Weasley. This was a close and difficult call for me, but I feel like between the twins, George was just a hair less cheeky. Cheeky boys equal sexy boys and…you get the rest.


Third place we have Fred Weasley. The man exudes B.D.E. (Big Dick Evergy). He can make you laugh and cum, maybe even at the same time! He was a sweet, sexy angel who was taken from us too soon. RIP, King.

Have I mentioned that Goblet of Fire (2005) played an incredibly large role in my sexual awakening.

Up in second place we have Bill Weasley. Best known for being a curse breaker (so hot), working at Gringrotts, being a partial werewolf (hot!!!!) , and being a member of the Order of the Phoenix. He is also married to Fleur Delacour, who I truly believe started the internet’s obsession with hot French girls’ make up and skincare routines.

(He was hotter in the books, but still!)

In first place we have Charlie Weasley. The man works with dragons and is a rumored “bad boy”. Enough said. One of the biggest crimes Warner Brothers committed (and commit they did in the Harry Potter franchise!) cutting out Charlie completely was one of them! (@Warner Brothers you should consider longhaired Harry Styles for this role when you inevitably remake the entire series, just saying!)

Imagine this Harry Styles TRAINING DRAGONS! *takes plan b*

P.S. Happy 40th Birthday Harry Potter!
I’ve loved you for twenty years and I’ll love you for twenty more!